Life is becoming more complicated by the day. Social media is a huge contributor. People know so much about each other that it brings out the best and worst. Jealousy and insecurity is always lurking around the corner and whilst no one likes to be judged or criticised, seeing others do well can be a reminder of what you are not achieving.
YOU have the opportunity to turn a negative in to a positive or you can take the easy way out and simply blame others for your own inadequacies. The problem is until you recognise that the buck stops with you, you will never grow.
Do you orchestrate situations just so you can turn it back on another? This is called deflective behaviour. This allows YOU to hide out in your own bad behaviour. By shining the light on the other person YOU are creating a situation purely so the focus is off you. The person with the drug problem may say they only resorted to drugs due to your lack of attention for example.
“People who continually “pass the buck” or blame others suffer usually from a sense of worthlessness, or low self esteem. Sometimes this may be a direct result of improper or negligent parenting, whereby they were never able to establish a sense of self-importance which eventually translates into deprivation on some level or another. Sometimes these individuals may be missing a parent due to divorce, a death of a spouse or a parent who “ran-off” and never took the time to nurture the child. The remaining parent may be irresponsible, and fail to do their job also. Never the less, there comes a point in every man and woman’s life where they have to come to grips with these unfortunate life experiences and take responsibility for themselves. While it may be easy to point a finger at those who refuse to be held accountable, at the same time we must recognize the huge deficit or loss that lead to this behavior. Striking a healthy balance may lead to avoidance or walking away!
While we must remain objective concerning these, we must also refuse to feed into this behavior. By doing so, we actually assist the “blame-passers” in continuing their assault on others. Eventually these individuals can wreck others lives because they remain bitter, unaccountable and below the surface broods an anger like a ticking-bomb waiting to go-off. Usually these manifest a passive-aggressiveness that initially helps create a mask or facade they hide behind. Often blaming others for their inability to change, they not only become “blame-passer’s”, but “life-wreckers” as well. Many times they pass on this illness to their own offspring. In there refusal to be held accountable, they develop a selfishness that denies others the chance to grow. Their children often become replica’s of themselves. They destroy families, children, and have only one goal: “PASS-IT-ON”.
From these avoidance may be the most effective management tool. Not sowing into their sickness, may allow their fire to be put out. Usually they look for other victims, being victims themselves, and through this unhealthy-co-dependency, their legacy lives on. Having many dark moments of secrecy and self-betrayal, thet cannot be trusted, as their perception is mostly cloudy even on a clear day. Like a ripe disease this virus attacks the weak, the innocent and strikes at the very peace of those around them. Always, looking for someone else to pay the price of their own ineptness, their own self-loathing–they lose relationships and trade healthy friends for those who are of the same jaded nature.
Their stubborn refusal to take responsibility will eventually mean the loss of a spouse due to unfaithfulness, the loss of a job, and family members who end up turning away. Always being hunted and playing the victim allows their ego’s to be stroked and coddled. When others are forced into playing their game–this actually gives them the fuel to believe in their lies. From such an encounter, if one has the ability–reveal this behavior and refuse to sow into it. If these rise up in anger–walk away and avoid until the time comes when they face their sickness.” (source http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Why_do_some_people_blame_others_and_claim_to_be_victims)
It is important to recognise that Blamers are never responsible for anything. It is ALWAYS others. Rather than fix the issues, they choose to wallow in it. Rather than put it behind them, disassociate and move on they are completely paralysed and become fixated on wrecking others lives and happiness. In the end the bitterness that they refuse to let go of takes its toll.
Unless they wake up to themselves they will never amount to anything. The people they attempt to destroy become stronger and this only incenses them.
So, how do you handle such fragile ego’s and personalities? Simple. Do not engage. When you engage, you fuel their fire. When you say nothing it is like a one handed clap.
You know them. Maybe you work with them, live with them, or hang out with them. Negative is an understatement. They complain, they vent, they criticize, they blame. And you’re tired of dealing with them.
Negative Nelly prefers complaining to finding a solution. Quick with the “buts” whenever a possible solution or new idea is offered, she sucks the energy out of a room within seconds.
Venting Victor likes to swoop in, dump his frustration all over anyone who will listen, and then go on his merry way. Venting Victor needs an outlet for every minor annoyance, frustration, and issue, and if you’re his target, you’re left feeling dumped on.
Billy Blamer is constantly critical, demanding, and berating and blames everyone and everything when things go wrong. He doesn’t take responsibility; rather, he deflects it. Billy Blamers create a negative, guilt-ridden environment. It’s usually them against the world, and you’re left holding the bag.
While the most effective strategy for dealing with some of these people is to eliminate them from your life, in many cases, that’s just not doable. You can’t fire a coworker unless you’re the boss. You can’t, or don’t want to, cut off ties with your family. And so you’ve learned to put up with their negativity.
But too much negativity can be toxic. It drains you, frustrates you, and sometimes it infects you. After being with Negative Nelly or Venting Victor, you find yourself going negative. You get sucked into their vortex, and your usually positive outlook starts getting dark. With Billy Blamer you walk away deflated, feeling as if you’ve let him down again.
You may wonder why they have to be this way and find yourself constantly wishing they were more positive, happy, or sensitive to others. The truth is that asking why usually doesn’t change much. Unless the answer allows you to be more accepting—to come to love their negativity—knowing the “why” doesn’t solve your problem. You need to know how to avoid the slippery slope of getting sucked in, frustrated, annoyed, and negative.
What can you do to stop the downslide short of cutting them out of your life or being rude? Here are three proven strategies you can implement immediately.
1.The extinction strategy. Extinction simply means to stop meeting their needs. Once their needs aren’t being met by you, they’ll move on to other ways of getting their needs met.
What attracts negative people to you is that you give them what they want or need. Not intentionally, of course. In fact, you are probably trying to be kind, patient, and friendly. But the truth is that if they weren’t getting some need met by spewing their negativity all over you, they wouldn’t be doing it. Negative people need one of two things from you. They are either looking for someone to commiserate with, or they want someone who will provide lots of cheerleading. Commiserating gives them affirmation. “You can do it” support gives them energy (by taking it from you).
Become a no whining zone. How? Simply refuse to engage. If you’ve been caught up in the “ain’t it awfuls,” it’s time to stop. If you’ve been relentlessly cheerleading, stop. Have a simple phrase that you can repeat in a “charge-neutral” tone (without anger, frustration, or reaction, as if you were saying something as simple as “the sky is blue”), such as “isn’t that interesting.” Say nothing more, nothing less. After hearing that (and nothing else) three times, they’ll start to get the hint that you’re not going there with them.
2.Set limits. You can’t afford to spend 20, 30, or more minutes listening to someone rattle on about everything that’s wrong in the world. It’s far too costly to your peace of mind andproductivity. With Billy Blamers you need a zero tolerance policy. Get to a place where you simply won’t tolerate the rant (abuse). With Negative Nellys or Venting Victors, set a time limit, and stick to it—somewhere between three to seven minutes, maximum.
Once Negative Nelly or Venting Victor has hit the three-minute mark, cut off the conversation. If you’re at work, say something like “I really have to get back to my project now.” If they continue (they will), be ready to get stronger. Stand up, create more space between you, and begin to move away. Say “I’m going to get back to work now.” It can be easier on the phone. Make your “I’ve got to go” statement, and insist on hanging up within the minute.
3.Be unconditionally constructive. You may have tried being positive, but positive doesn’t work. When you’re positive, you are trying to build the other person up (a form of cheerleading). This can be very draining because you are trying to move someone from extreme negativity to extreme satisfaction or happiness. That’s like pushing a large rock uphill. Alternatively, when you’re unconditionally constructive, you’re helping the other person build something for himself.
Instead of saying “You can do it! Here’s what I think you should do . . . ,” you could say “I’d really like to hear how you solve that.” Or instead of saying “I’m really tired of hearing your criticisms all the time,” you could say “I’d enjoy hearing your ideas about what would work.” By consistently doing this, you can teach the person that you will only engage with them when they are unconditionally constructive, too. You only have room in your life for people willing to bring solutions, ideas, and energy.
These strategies can and do work as long as you are consistent and clear. If you waiver, the negative people in your life will sense the opening and pounce. You have to stick with it. Expect that they will test you. You will likely see an escalation of the negativity, drama, venting, or blaming at first. This is when holding strong to your time limits, charge-neutral tone, and higher standards is a must. Once you’ve passed the test, usually after three to five incidents, you’ll see dramatic change.
Billy Blamer or Negative Nelly will move on to other sources of energy. Venting Victor will vent less or seek out a new dumping ground. And you’ll feel lighter and more energetic. Most importantly, you will start to attract people just like you—unconditionally constructive, with healthy limits and a passion for what’s possible.
** This article is one of 101 great articles that were published in 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life. To get complete details on “101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life”, visit http://www.selfgrowth.com/greatways2.html.
